Wednesday

Wednesday was a sad day. I don't have any real cute, happy pictures to post, but I'll attach these so you get the idea. Willow didn't eat anything all day - just that dang bottle. I think when she's hungry, she's more likely to think about being sad, then she's too sad to eat and the bottle is comforting and easy for her. She had a few bites of this bread (while I had a #2 breakfast meal at McD's!) and a few animal crackers after swimming. She drinks lots of water out of the sippy cup I brought, so I know she's not malnourished or dehydrated, it's just sad to me because I know it's a sign of her stress. I'm praying she eats today.
Willow didn't cry a lot today, but she didn't laugh either. She was very quiet and very serious. When she woke up in the morning, she just wanted to sit in bed with her balloons from Sandra and watch cartoons. (Please note the tiny space where I sleep)

At the embassy I wasn't allowed to bring my camera, but Willow was hilarious. We were there for about two hours waiting to apply for Willow's Visa to America. She and Anna had a blast playing and running around the waiting room. They'd take turns grabbing the other one's hand and leading down this hall they were playing in. When Anna went to far down the hall, Willow would hold out her hand like she wanted Anna to hold it and then walk toward Anna's mom. If Anna didn't follow, Willow'd go to Anna's mom and do the same trying to lead her to Anna. She'd point at Anna and do the "come HERE" gesture with her hand. A couple times Anna brought Willow over to me, knowing she 'belongs' to me. It was darling. However, if Anna grabbed Willow's hand too tight, or when Willow wasn't in the mood anymore, she'd shake her pointer finger at her furiously. Mean face, hollering, saying "NO! NO! NO!" Then she'd look at Anna's mom and point to Anna and point to her own arm where Anna had touched. She is a pistol. When she's happy, she's very, very happy. When she's mad - look OUT. Yaya? Are you reading this? Can you have a chat with Lily, please? Mom's a little nervous. Lily cries if I think about being frustrated with her - what is she going to do when her sister screams and hollers at her?! This might make her skin a little thicker, but it won't come easily.

When we came back from the embassy we went for a little walk outside. Willow had fallen asleep in her stroller, so I laid her on the bed. She woke up sad and maybe confused, and she cried for about an hour. It wasn't that hysterical cry like she did Monday after Veronica and Sandra were gone, it was just a sad, quiet sobbing. She kept saying "mama". I held her on the patio/balcony and sang quietly (like Sandra told me Veronica did), but she kept on crying. I keep telling myself that she just has to grieve thier loss, that's every tear is a reflection of their love for her, and that she will be OK. After a bottle and some time to cry, she seemed better. When I put her swimsuit on, she was happy. When we played in the pool today, she was more subdued than yesterday - no belly laughing or wild water throwing - but she was happy there for about an hour.
After swimming she had another bottle (after a few animal crackers and refusing every other food I offered) and had a 2 hour nap.
She woke up around 4, very serious. Not crying, but looking sadly all around the room with her bottom lip out and tears in her eyes. When I rubbed her leg or back, she pushed my hand away. She didn't push me away, like to get off the bed, but she didn't want me touching her. After a few minutes of watching this awful sadness, we decided to go out for dinner. We walked up the street to Pizza Hut, and Willow was very content in her stroller. She refused to get out of the stroller when we got there. When I'd hold out my hands offering to hold her she shook her head no. When I patted the highchair, she shook her head no. When I offered her watermelon, cantloupe, bread, crackers, pizza, water, mom's pop, or ANY other food, she shook her head no. She just sat in the stoller, playing with her fingers and staring at her hands. It was so sad to watch we could hardly eat.

The only time she was really happy today was when Anna (whose parents are here from Wisconsin and who I've talked to online for 2 years) came to play before bedtime. They colored together and played with the balloons. They both shared and were proud to hand the other a crayon or balloon. Willow did her belly laugh a lot. But then.... she tried to take Anna's balloon, and I handed her another one instead, she refused and only wanted the one Anna was holding, and I said no. She stuck her finger up like Anna was in trouble and frantically looked around the room for someone to help her - someone she could yell and explain things too, but I was the "bad guy" and everyone else didn't really belong to her. She SOBBED. She was inconsolable. Anna and her family finally had to leave. I put Willow's PJs on, gave her a bottle, and layed in bed with her. She fell asleep a little happier, but it was a sad end to a sad day.

We all slept great and all night long. I'm still amazed she doesn't wake up crying in the night. She kicks and thrashes around, but last night I was tired enough to sleep through most of it. We were asleep by 9 and Willow is still sleeping now. Mom's just heading out for a coffee run. I hope tonight I have lots of happy pictures to post for today.